Sunday, December 26, 2004

Christmas was great.

I feared it would be like last Christmas. Back when I was having insomnia every 6 weeks. I had nowhere to go. For a couple hours it looked like I could hook up with my daughter but she took off without me and didn't let me know she changed her plans. It was rainy and dark. I called my brother and hemmed and hawed hoping he would invite me over. It was a lonelymans Christmas.

This year though I planned ahead. I spent several hours over at my friend's house watching them open their presents. Then I went to a movie. A movie! Did you know that theaters are packed on Christmas day? All these years there's been a Christmas movie cultural movement that I've been totally ignorant of. It sort of felt like magic, watching a movie on the most important day of the year. I am IM'ing a friend and she thinks it is pathetic. But it was kind of special. The movie was great, too. "Spanglish" was the name and it was very charming and well acted.
I had a great Christmas, how about you?

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas eve. The day before the big day.
It's my daughter's 16th birthday. Wow, my baby is sixteen.... Hmmm. Life goes on.
I spent a couple hours with my two older boys today. Took them to Baja's Fresh Mex. Jon was bothered by the surrounding noise because of his hearing disorder (Central Auditory Processing disorder), I thought he was sick to his stomach or something when I caught this certain look on his face. The background noise decreased after awhile and he found it more tolerable.
My youngest son is recovering from Strep throat. He asked me to get him a PlayStation 2 controller yesterday. It felt good finding him his coveted game parts at a very cheap price. He gave me a big hug when I brought them to him.
Tonight I go to Midnight Mass, tomorrow morning I go over to Mark's to open presents and have a Christmas breakfast. Then they take off and I plan on hanging out at the house and tooling around on the computer, maybe doctoring my digital pics. Might even publish some to this blog.
I told my family that I wanted a digital camera for Christmas. I bought one for $150 and so far have received $115 for it. That makes me feel great. My landlord and lady bought me a gift. I was surprised. I went out and bought them a bottle of wine.
I got a call from my Irish friend this morning. He wished me a happy birthday, we chatted about our families and Christmas time. I was just sitting in an easy chair pondering life when my cell phone went off and there was his call from Ireland. We may meet up in July during my annual pilgrimage to Wheaton college.


The Lord's birth is being celebrated all over the world. Gifts and partying are all fine but the reality of this holiday is the celebration of God becoming man and dwelling among us. That is mind-blowing if you think about it. The infinite entering into the finite world and joining himself with humanity. Wow.
That's it, we are living in a wonderful season where the Mysterious Creator begins to unveil himself and show us more of himself. The Christ child is coming to live with us. He's entering our world. Soon he will come again and introduce us to more of his world as he establishes his kingdom on earth. And it all started in the womb of Mary, he began like all of us did, as one fertilized ovum... and then he grew into a man, and look at what he did, his impact on the world is undeniable... and his impact on the future of the world is growing and growing until he gathers all of mankind and ushers us into eternity.
Merry Christmas, everyone.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I am loney therefore I blog

So, I am here at the internet cafe not wanting to watch the NFL alone....
I just had a great time at mass sitting with a newfound friend from RCIA. She brought her fiance's two daughters, one of them is two and I held her on my lap and she was as quiet as a church mouse, although her shoes got my pants all dirty. We went to the breaking open of the word with the girls and she sat quietly on my lap some more. But when she sat on my friend's lap she was squirmy and kind of naughty.
There is a sweet warmth in this new relationship. This burgeoning family has me by the heartstrings. I suspect this will help me in my celibacy. Celibates need rich, thriving relationships to be happy. I might even do babysitting for them. Especially after they have their baby in June.
So, when I get here at WebJoy, the internet cafe, I check my email and there is one from an old friend at my old church, Christ the King, we were RCIA partners years ago. For some reason that church wouldn't let me continue on in my quest to become a Catholic. I wimped out on getting a reason why. Sometimes I am incredibly inept. So she sends this email that announces that a young married couple, both of whom I knew before they married, is coming into town and do I want to go out with all of them to dinner after 5 o'clock mass tonight. I delete that message and Yahoo mail puts me into the next message from a girl I met at a christian conference in Chicago who went on to Oxford University who is announcing her engagement. And here I am, doubting if I can ever get married... the loneliness goes on.

Friday, December 17, 2004

A week gone by

Catholics are great but Baptists can be really cool, too.
Last night I attended a Redeemed Lives meeting at Warm Springs Baptist Church. It was our last meeting of the year. We had a large group session where people got up and shared about how the biblical/psychological program helped them. It was a warm, fuzzy time of heart to heart sharing....
Through Redeemed Lives and the Catholic Church I am part of things that are much bigger than I. They are full of events that transcend the meanness of my life and lift me into the world of spirit where the splendor of God's loving ways rush back and forth across the universe. In this, I live a privileged life.

Friday, December 10, 2004

A Spiritual Man's Poem

A Tear In The Curtain

You rent the fabric of this darkened universe
when You became sin for us. At the Cross
bright rays shot through black space,
piercing this entropied realm,
a promise of the coming
New Heaven.

via Tim Underwood
Good Friday 2002

A Lonely Man's Poem


Mine eyes have seen a sliver moon and silver star,
afire with envy of the earth,
blazing against black night;
dead rock and burning fire versus teeming life.

Mine eyes have seen a steel diesel shoveler-
digger-tail swimming through dirt and rock,
seeking and finding the strength of stone;
striving to break it, subdue it.

Mine eyes have seen a lonely man
isolated by his broken mind,
watching a wedding party;
toasting the joy of the bride and bridegroom.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Update on moodswings and stuff

Well, it seems prayers have been answered. I haven't shown any other signs of a manic moodswing that would harm me. Sleep is near normal and I'm enjoying life. I don't feel lonely right now. (watch, I've prolly spoken too soon)
I beat the #1 team in my fantasy football league and it looks like I'll make the playoffs. I went Christmas shopping on and got half of my list taken care of. And I'm the kind that waits until Christmas eve to shop!
Work is wierd. Our systems the past couple days have been going down for hours. It's nice to have the time to talk and bond with my coworkers but I need the sales to make bonus....
Tonight I am going to pick up my daughter and go shopping for her brother and shorten my Christmas shopping list even more. I love spending time with my kids. And time with my only daughter is precious indeed.
Take care, gentle reader.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Becoming a Catholic and bipolar moodswings

I am going through the initiation process to become a Catholic. It's called Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA). That's right, folks, Catholics are indeed Christians. A manager at work, whom I really like, told me she used to be Catholic but then became a Christian. No, you were a Catholic and you became a Protestant. I guess you could say Catholics came first.
So, we just started the Breaking Open of the Word. That's where those of us who needs to be baptized or are coming over from a Protestant religion get up after the homily (that's sermon for you Protestants) and are blessed by the priest and dismissed to go to another room and study the Scripture readings for that day.
I remember last year thinking to myself that I didn't want to get up in front of everybody and leave the service. That's partly cuz I was having very frequent moodswings where I would have a week of insomnia and for that first week and for about another week after I would be full of anxiety and deep shyness. I've found a new and painfully expensive medicine that has greatly decreased the insomnia part of my cycles. So, this morning I was thinking that I like to leave and spend special time with my new found friends who are learning about the Catholic Church.
I have bipolar mood disorder and attention deficit disorder. They actually go together frequently. I am a bit concerned today because I slept for 14 hours last night. That means I am going through a moodswing. And in this part of my cycle where I, paradoxically for manic and depressive moodswings, sleep a lot I tend to be manic and do stupid things. So I said a special prayer today that I would be levelheaded. Pray for me, too, if you read this in time. Thank you, dear reader, have a great Sunday!

Saturday, December 04, 2004

A lonely man's Saturday

Well today I'm sitting at the computer in my oldest (24) son's flat. He is studying for finals and can't go to the movies either. He didn't want to go out for lunch either so I brought Chinese food over to his place and we chowed down and here I am.
I chatted with his brother today on AIM who is my 21 year old. He goes to Christian Brothers University in Memphis, TN. He is crazy busy with schoolwork now. His engineering class is hectic.
So, I must let you all know. I have 4 children. 3 boys and a girl who is my youngest. They range from 24 to 15. Two kids each from each ex-wife.
I got my first comment today! A girl who has ADD and lives in my hometown of Vegas and is an ardent Catholic and is a good social conservative responded to a comment I placed on her blog. This blog thing is new to me. It's fun and interesting.
Now, I got to figure out how to get my blog some publicity. Is there a Blog Central where we can market ourselves? How will people know that I am here?

Friday, December 03, 2004

Blogging on

Well, here I am again, sitting at a semi-public computer terminal. Alone.
There are a couple of girls here hanging out with some boys who are playing games here at the internet cafe. They are standing and giggling to my left. Must be about 14 years old like my daughter.
I came here to the internet cafe because my best friend is attending a church function and I didn't feel like being home alone. I often hang out with him. So, since I don't have my home computer connected to the internet, I tinkered with my fantasy football team, checked my emails, my bank account and the weather. I visited Peggy Noonan's website: and ate two bags of Doritos and drank a Pepsi and smoked a cigar filled with pipe tobacco.
I took my fifteen year old daughter to Starbucks before I came here. She is ticked at her "stupid" brother for forgetting her bag when they went Christmas shopping which had two gift T-shirts for her karate instructors. I tried to get her to go to the movies with me tomorrow but she may be too busy Christmas shopping and practicing with her Irish Step dancing partner. I stopped by Papa John's to see if my eighteen year old son wanted to go to the movies tomorrow. He said he'd like to but he has to study for finals for his Japanese class.
I got two free movie tickets burning a hole in my pocket I earned at work for putting in 4 hours of overtime. I might work OT tomorrow so I won't be lonely.
You see the theme here?

Well, I went on my quasi-date. My Guamanian friend, just the sweetest, outgoing, smiley gal, had her Hawaiian girlfriend pick me up at work in her bigass van. We drove to the Rio (I live in Vegas, btw) to their convention rooms and went into this huge, darkened room with dozens and dozens of dinner tables with blue tablecloths stretched all over the place. I forgot how big of a company I work for. The food was exquisite, the band sucked and I danced terribly, so did my Guamanian friend. First girl I danced with who was worse than me. Ooh, that's mean, isn't it?
I don't know whether I should reveal her name. Isn't there privacy concerns here?
I think she's too young for me. I am 44 and she's either late 20's or early 30's. But she is so sweet. When she sees me at work she says, "how are you, honey?" Sigh.
I do this with my mood swings. At one end of the spectrum I am all lonely and wrapped up with thoughts of what girl I could get to know. At the other end of my mood swing scale I am scared to death to think that I could be in a relationship and thinking that I am crazy for making moves to get to know girls.
I have a wierd life. Do you? Or are you, gentle reader, one of those normal people? If so, does this diatribe interest you at all? Please leave a comment. I am a curious individual.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Lonely Man Speaks

I am lonely, therefore I am.

There. My life's motto in six words. 44 years old and still lonely. "He just keeps aching and aching, and he still goes on...."

Okay, welcome to the debut of The Lonely Man's Blog. Here it is in all its originality- the unique expressions of someone still looking for that heart of gold. Or for that special someone who'll put up with my crap.

Ain't it the truth? Our hearts wax rhapsodic but our minds know better, we're looking for someone extremely tolerant. Face it. Life comes down to the point where we just want someone who can put up with us and whom we can put up with, too. Flashes of fancy light up our memories, mounds of idealism lay stacked up behind us, and piles of broken dreams lay smouldering in our path. And we realize we would just settle for someone who is decent and can take us for all that we are, good and bad.

The secret fear is does such a person exist? Why haven't I found her yet? What if I am too objectionable? What if noone can stand me? Argh.
Then hope springs eternal. There must be someone who will love me!

Then comes the eternal silence. Hmm.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am going on a date tonight, well, sort of. There is this sweet Guamanian girl and her friends who I am tagging along with to our work Holiday Gala. I asked her if I could pick her up but she wants to have me travel to the Gala with her girlfriends. So, it's sort of a date.

Oh well, we'll see.